


Dead Man Walking

by SuikaShoujo



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Spoilers - Kratos Aurion Route, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, the zelloyd is completely onesided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25451257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuikaShoujo/pseuds/SuikaShoujo
Summary: Lloyd refuses Zelos's invitation to go outside in Flanoir.Zelos learns the hard way that rejection hits a lot harder when you're betting your life on the other person's answer.
Relationships: Lloyd Irving/Zelos Wilder
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Dead Man Walking

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flambydelrabies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flambydelrabies/gifts).



> This is my side of the birthday fic exchange I'm doing with my lovely girlfriend [Flamb3rge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flamb3rge), which is great when you read this and realize that it's pretty much the opposite of romantic? Fortunately, we were brought together by a shared love of making Zelos Wilder suffer (As you'll notice if you read their work, which I would HIGHLY recommend doing), so I didn't have to hold anything back. The main inspiration here is the fact that you can still take the Kratos route despite having Zelos as the character with the highest affection, which is something that will never NOT kill me dead. :')

Zelos had known from the start that he would never be anyone's favorite person.

And that was fine, he had always told himself, because that was never the life he was bred for in the first place. He had often heard the phrase "quality over quantity," but Zelos had a feeling his world was just backwards enough that for him alone, the opposite held true. As long as he had the eyes of the entire world on him, as long as he existed not for himself but for the people of Tethe'alla, it didn't matter what any single person thought of him, or even what he thought of himself. Just as his ancestors had thrown their lives away to bring prosperity to the land, Zelos would waste away as a symbol of hope for a world that never needed one in the first place.

And that, he had maintained for the majority of his 22 years, was fine. 

So when he peeked around the corner that night in Flanoir, nearly blinded by snow but all too able to make out two familiar voices having a heated discussion in front of the church, the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach was completely foreign to him. He had given up on things like  _ hope _ and  _ disappointment _ years ago. Whatever would be, would be, and there was nothing he could do about it, so the easiest course of action was to accept anything that came his way and live his life one day at a time, all without worrying over a future that may never even come or crying over a past that he was powerless to change.

But as he watched Lloyd speak passionately with a man who should have damaged his trust beyond repair, he found himself wondering what, exactly, was the past decision he would need to change in order to stand in that traitor's place. And, perhaps more disturbingly, he found himself wishing he could return to that moment and change whatever it was that sealed his fate.

This, Zelos realized with a harsh swallow and a shiver against the cold, was  _ regret. _

It was an emotion that he had never once had a use for until Lloyd had come into the picture. Although, he thought absently, the same could be said for so many other emotions as well, couldn’t it? Before Lloyd, Zelos hadn’t known the joy of sitting beside a campfire late into the night, laughing at a conversation that, with anyone else, would never have seemed as entertaining. He hadn’t known the satisfaction that came with sharing a warm meal, one that didn’t need to be tested for poison because he knew the people who cooked it would never intentionally cause him any harm. He hadn’t known the comfort that came out of waking from a nightmare in the middle of the night, only to feel his fears dissipate the moment he turned to face the bed next to him, the peaceful expression on its occupant more than enough to convince him that he was safe.

And for all of his grandiose statements about being the greatest romantic in all of Tethe’alla, he hadn’t known the terrifying thrill of being, truly, madly,  _ impossibly _ in love with someone.

And as he shivered against a cold gust of wind that blew fresh snow into his eyes, realized that he would always be at most second-best to the person he had come to treasure more than anyone or any _ thing _ in either of their all-too-separate worlds, he realized that he would have traded every one of those fragments of a happy life if it meant he didn’t have to learn that one final, crucial emotion-- the feeling of his heart freezing over, of knowing that the full extent of his love would never be reciprocated. 

A nearly-inaudible part of his mind whispered the thought that brought him to the conclusion he had spent months debating in an instant, the one he had been  _ stupid  _ enough to think he would ever avoid reaching.

_ It would be better _

_ If he just stabbed me in the heart, instead. _

The worst part was, Lloyd would never even  _ consider _ turning his blades on the people he considered friends, not unless--

"I gave him a reason to." Zelos's faint whisper disappeared into the silence of the night, faster than even the small white trail left behind by the sigh that quickly followed. It was the kind of thought that, even an hour earlier, he would have regretted immediately-- he had made his mind up already, after all. He had weighed his options, and chosen the strongest side, the one he found himself hoping against all hope could bring him the first true miracle of his life.

But instead… well. He wondered what, exactly, he was supposed to call the exact  _ opposite  _ of a miracle. Maybe, in his own backwards existence, this  _ was  _ a miracle. In the end, though, it didn't matter what it was called, because if the plan Zelos was starting to concoct in the back of his mind was in any way successful, he wouldn't be around to call it  _ anything _ for much longer.

Zelos didn’t force himself to wait around and listen to the rest of Lloyd’s conversation with Kratos before turning around and returning to the inn. He was already in a bad mood, and he knew being out in the snow would only make his racing thoughts spiral even further downwards. And besides, did it  _ really  _ matter what the two of them were talking about? The only thing he needed to know was that Lloyd had decided it was more important than anything Zelos could ever have to say. Had Lloyd known that Kratos would eventually come for him when Zelos came knocking on his door? Was that why instead of welcoming him inside with open arms, he kept the door closed with only a single word of apology? Or had Kratos’s visit come as a surprise? Lloyd  _ did _ have a natural air of curiosity about him. If his birth father had shown up out of nowhere, wanting to discuss something, there was no  _ way  _ Lloyd would let it go unchecked. 

Of  _ course  _ that hadn’t applied to Zelos, though, because as far as Lloyd was concerned, there was nothing left to learn. He was loud. He was extroverted. He was selfish. He was a  _ whore _ . What more did he need to know? What more did  _ anyone _ need to know? With how much Zelos talked about himself, what could possibly be left to learn? 

...Was that it? Was Lloyd just too damn trusting? Was he really as much of an idiot as everyone claimed he was? Had those flashes of emotional intelligence only been flukes?

_ Or _ .

Was it Zelos? Was he too good of an actor? Was he acting at all? Was this who he really was? 

Had he dug his own grave the moment he decided his true self wasn’t good enough?

Zelos had never been one to question things, to imagine hypothetical situations where things could have ended differently. It just wasn’t worth it. False hope was far worse than having no hope in the first place. But as he stepped back into the inn after a short walk he had been too lost in thought to remember, it took every ounce of his self-control not to imagine where he  _ could  _ be right now, if he was more deserving of happiness.

A fire blazed in the lobby of Flanoir’s inn, and Zelos found himself drawn to it after a night spent out in the bitter northern cold. Removing the cloak wrapped tightly around his shoulders, he pulled a nearby chair closer to the fireplace and sank down into it, wrapping his arms around himself with a harsh shiver and a long sigh.

_ What if those were someone else’s arms? _

There were worse ways to spend your last night as a living thing, Zelos reasoned with himself, his own thoughts seeming further and further away as his concentration drifted exclusively to following the flickering flames in front of him. They were so bright that his eyes seemed to burn just at the sight of them.

_ They’ll be extinguished by the end of the night. _

It had already been dark outside when Zelos arrived back at the inn, and it was still dark when he just barely made out the sound of the front door opening and closing. Normally, Zelos prided himself on his observational skills and constant knowledge of the things happening around him, but at some point, he must have let his guard down, because the sound of his name being called made his entire body jolt.

_ What good are survival instincts if you don’t plan to survive? _

“Lloyd?” The boy’s name slipped from his lips with discomforting ease, completely at odds with the way his heart raced as he turned around. 

_ Just this morning, he made your heart race for a different reason entirely _ .

Lloyd smiled, although there was a weariness to it that Zelos only rarely saw. “What are you still doing up? It’s getting late.”

“I could ask you the same question. Aren’t you the one who barely makes it past sunset most nights?” It wasn’t an atypical response, not for the two of them. Small jabs back and forth made up most of what they had to say to each other. It was a level of friendliness that had caught Zelos off guard at first, but it hadn’t taken long for him to not only warm up to it, but outright  _ enjoy _ it. If Lloyd had seen him exclusively as the Chosen, he would never have been able to call him out so bluntly whenever he made a (sometimes intentionally) inappropriate comment. He wouldn’t be able to smile so brightly whenever Zelos fired right back, irrefutable proof that they were both in on the joke.

What  _ was  _ atypical was the way the words came out, completely lacking in Zelos’s very well-practiced energy that had come to define him. The lack of a playful smile or a glint of amusement in his eyes made his words feel harsh, almost accusing. Lloyd frowned, and took another step towards Zelos. 

“I… had a few things to take care of,” he finally said after a long pause, moving his gaze down to the floor. 

“Oh yeah?” Zelos raised an eyebrow. “Like what?” Maybe, a small part of him hoped, he didn’t have to give up just yet. Lloyd was an honest person, sometimes almost to a fault. It was entirely possible that Lloyd had a completely valid explanation for turning Zelos down. If Lloyd came clean with him, then maybe,  _ maybe  _ he could change his mind back. Maybe he wouldn’t have to--

“Uh… well, I just had some shopping to do. We were running low on gels, so…”

Zelos felt all the air rush out of him at once.

“Gotcha.” Zelos turned back to the fire, needing desperately to walk away from the conversation, yet frozen to the chair by Lloyd’s words. He spat out the next words before he could stop himself. His final escape route had been completely destroyed, so what use was there in pretending anymore? Lloyd had made his intentions clear. It was only fair that Zelos was doing the same. “We must have been  _ really  _ low on gels, to make you stop hiding away in your room.” Lloyd flinched, and it didn’t escape Zelos’s notice.

“W-well, I mean, we’re going to fight Mithos tomorrow, right? We’ve got to be prepared for--”

“Lloyd.” Zelos looked back at Lloyd, who was starting to appear visibly uncomfortable. “You’re a terrible liar.” 

“...What?”

Zelos laughed joylessly. “It’s got to be past midnight by now. There’s no way the stores in a small town like this would still be open this late.” Another long, agonizing silence passed between them. While Lloyd seemed to be at a complete loss for words, Zelos was all too aware of what  _ he _ wanted to say. And even after years of practice, it was taking every bit of control he had over himself not to let it spill out all at once. 

“...I’m sorry.” Lloyd’s voice, normally so loud and warm that it dominated the conversation, was a shell of its former self, a tiny, broken sound. He still couldn’t look Zelos in the eye. That was fine. Zelos wasn’t sure he could manage it, either. 

Zelos let out a heavy sigh and, turning his back to Lloyd, chose his words carefully as he spoke. “Do you know why I invited you out earlier tonight, Lloyd?” the way Lloyd's breath was caught in his throat was audible even while Zelos still faced the fire. He knew that as soon as Lloyd had fully processed what he said, he was going to protest, or come up with some sort of speech-- it didn't matter what he said, exactly, but it would be long, and more importantly, Zelos couldn't even be sure if it would be  _ true _ . So he kept speaking, keeping his tone level and his voice low. "I can't  _ stand _ this place, you know. Just the thought of being outside makes my skin crawl."

"Huh?" Lloyd sounded genuinely surprised.  _ He hadn't realized _ . Zelos  _ knew  _ his behavior when they entered the city was different from his usual mask. He had spent years perfecting it, after all, so he knew the ins and outs of how to be the best version of himself. All he had to do was smile, look pretty, and pretend he didn't know a thing about the ugly side of life. Anything else was a flaw in the system, a threat to his reputation that needed to be eliminated before  _ he _ was eliminated. But even if his words had been the same as always, he hadn't had it in him to smile. Not with the memories of his past and the knowledge of the role he was going to play the following day closing in from either side and crushing him to dust between them. He had wandered off, and Lloyd had seen him muttering to himself, and asked him what was wrong. And when Zelos told him that he was fine, Lloyd had believed him.

Lloyd had made the mistake of trusting him.

Zelos was going to have to fix that.

Zelos turned around.

“I’ll give you one guess, Lloyd. What do you think I wanted to tell you tonight?” They were standing face to face, now, so close that Zelos could almost feel Lloyd’s breath on his cheek. Lloyd tried to take a step back, but Zelos grabbed his wrist, not tightly enough to hurt, but enough that Lloyd had essentially no chance of breaking free. He wasn’t sure what sort of face he was making at that moment, but the way Lloyd’s eyes widened at his gaze as he struggled to find a response gave him an idea. 

He was  _ scared _ , and Zelos knew it. He wished that revelation bothered him more than it did. He wished that Lloyd’s opinion of him still had a shot at changing who he was and what he was going to do. But he had made his choice, and Lloyd had made his, and now Zelos had nothing left to lose.

It was better to die a hero than to live long enough to see yourself become the villain, but Zelos, contradictory existence that he was, would be forced to die as a villain. After tonight, he would become living proof that it’s not only the good who die young, but at least he would die as the person he really was deep down-- an ugly, twisted thing undeserving of anyone's love or trust, an angel fallen so far from grace that he was beyond redemption, a man who would sell the entire world for the chance to save his own soul. 

Zelos hated cliches, but sometimes, he had to admit, there was some truth to them.

Lloyd’s voice carried a note of uncertainty as he spoke. "Zelos, you're acting weird tonight. Did something happen? If you need to talk about it, I’ll--"

And he couldn’t finish his thought, because Zelos crushed their lips together, continuing to grasp Lloyd’s wrist in one hand and digging his fingers into Lloyd’s hair with the other. 

Zelos had thought of this moment before, what his first kiss with Lloyd would be like. It was going to be an emotional moment for both of them, because Zelos would know for the first time what it felt like to kiss someone and actually  _ feel  _ something, and Lloyd would understand the feelings Zelos held for him in a way that words alone could never convey. And he would pull away after a moment that lasted for what seemed like forever, and Lloyd would be flushed but smiling. Zelos would make a stupid comment just to break the silence, and Lloyd would complain, but laugh anyways, because he knew that their kiss meant just as much to Zelos as it did to him, even if he made light of it. And they would be  _ happy _ .

Zelos finally had what he had been wanting, but it was a hollow enough victory that he was no longer sure if it was ever what he really wanted at all. He knew the spell would be lifted the moment he removed his hands from Lloyd’s hair, and Lloyd would push Zelos away at the earliest possible opportunity. There would be no afterglow, no mutual understanding, no light banter to let each other know that nothing had to change now that they were together, because they had already been in love for a very long time without ever noticing it. There would only be the aftermath of a horrible mistake that Zelos could never and  _ would  _ never take back.

When Zelos finally pulled apart from Lloyd, loosening but not letting go of his grip on Lloyd’s wrist, he almost couldn’t bring himself to look Lloyd in the eye. He wasn’t sure if he could face the rejection, confusion, or hurt that would await him there. But he had to. He had to pretend like that hadn’t hurt him as much as it probably hurt Lloyd. The time for emotions was over. Now all that was left was to lower himself into the grave he had been digging for years.

“I know you’re not the brightest,  _ Bud, _ ” he spat out, a cruel smirk distorting his features in a way that made Lloyd flinch as he stood rooted in place in front of Zelos, “But it’s really not that complicated. You make me want things I can’t have, but that’s not gonna stop me from trying to get them anyways.”

“Wha--” Lloyd sputtered, his mouth opening and closing wordlessly as he struggled to understand the turn their conversation had just taken. Finally, he grabbed Zelos’s hand with his own free hand and yanked himself free from Zelos’s grasp. It immediately flew up to his mouth, and he took several steps back. “Zelos, what the  _ hell _ ? Why did you--”

“If you really can’t figure it out after all that, then there’s nothing else I can say.” Zelos turned towards the hall where all of the group’s rooms had been set up for the night. “Don’t worry, you don’t need to say anything now. I’ll get my answer tomorrow.” With that, he walked away before Lloyd could even begin to respond, leaving his first and only love standing shocked and speechless in his wake.

For how much people talked about and craved it, Zelos thought to himself as he walked away from the future he could have had, love was overrated.

\-----------

The next morning came after hours of Zelos lying awake and staring at the ceiling, somehow managing to come far too quickly and not quickly enough. The members of their group that had accompanied the doctor on the trip to Altessa’s house returned with positive news about his condition, and after some light conversation over breakfast, everyone gathered up their things and met outside the inn, ready to move on to their next destination. Lloyd didn’t say a word to Zelos throughout any of it, barely even cast a glance in his direction. Zelos, for his part, acted like the previous night had never happened. He teased Genis, made suggestive comments towards Sheena, and as always, acted like he didn’t have a care in the world.

Maybe he really  _ didn’t _ , anymore. Nothing that happened past that day would have any impact on him, so why should he be concerned about it? It wasn’t worth worrying over a future that didn’t include him. Even as Lloyd gave a moving speech about stopping Cruxis, for the first time since Zelos had met him, he didn’t feel inspired at all. He didn’t feel  _ anything _ . So he kept smiling that fake smile, knowing all too well that no one would question him.

His positive mood continued as they approached Flanoir’s entrance. 

“Alright, let’s go kick some Cruxis butt, Lloyd!” he said, stretching one arm behind his head. For the first time all morning, Lloyd turned and looked him directly in the eye.

“...Zelos,” Lloyd said, unwavering. “Can I really trust you?”

“Of course you can trust me!” was what came out of his mouth.

_ Why start now? _ Was what he thought to himself.

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
